Inspired by a Quora thread about becoming someone else for a day, here is a humorous yet deeply therapeutic blog post about things that make me. It’s been a while since I posted on this expensive to maintain blog, so I hope it brightens up your day more than another opinion piece would. Not bashing my opinion pieces though. Go check them out too. Ideally, read all my work immediately after finishing with this post to avoid 7 years of bad sex/rent increase. Whichever feels worse for you.
Adidas jogging bottoms
I don’t even remember my life before Adidas joggies. I think I bought my first pair in 2019 on Depop and paid £14 for them. Two years later, I have them in black, blue and red. I used to throw shade at everyone who wore them as I galloped around Glasgow on my invisible high horse. Once you reach the point where a spicy pizza gives you stomach ache for three days, you suddenly stop giving a fuck about camel overcoats and Chelsea boots.
Tip how to be me for a day: Put your black Adidas joggies on together with an old tee you bought at 18 after a break-up. Take your tote bag and go to the corner shop to buy refreshments. If you’re feeling masc, a beer will do, but if you’re feeling femme – you might want to get gin instead. Stare at yourself in the mirror with a sad face for 5 minutes to feel like Connell from Normal People. Repeat.
Lana Del Rey music
Tell me your teens were messy without telling me your teens were messy. This over-romanticised product of post-millennialism and sunset tears is a must for everyone who wants to feel like a 17-year-old Jessica who just got dumped by her semi-professional footballer boyfriend.
Tip how to be me for a day: Sit in an armchair with your blinds closed and play Lana Del Rey on your Apple Music TV app. Eat ice-cream and drink a beverage of your choice throughout. Play the saddest songs twice, skip the upbeat ones. No one has time for that. Repeat.
That’s hot, said Paris Hilton once. She was referring to the sun. Nothing is better than taking a walk around your hood at 8:30 PM in a stab-proof vest and appreciating God’s work. Combine it with point 2 for extra effect.
Tip how to be me for a day: Put your PayPal Credit-financed AirPods on and leave your flat. Walk around the neighbourhood until you start smelling weed and get contact-high like Britney on stage in Vegas. Go home and eat.
If you ever had to pay your own rent and food, you know there is nothing better in life than going on Instagram at 3 AM and seeing people partying in English clubs. Wearing old Reebok boxers to bed can never beat party rocking in Prada nylon bucket hats and BoohooMAN t-shirts. At the end of the day, the world is a catwalk and we just walk on it.
Tip how to be me for a day: Go on Instagram and see how many baby showers, weddings, birthdays you weren’t invited to and club nights you can spot. Like each and every one of them. Take a four-hour break to sleep and repeat after waking up.
Are we okay?
Having opinions sucks y’all! You never know who you gonna offend. Relying on other people’s sympathy is a must-have of every twink.
Tip how to be me for a day: Text the last person you saw and ask for reassurance you’re all good. Repeat after each friend-date.
Iced-coffee and alcoholic beverages
You know, some people say you should never trust a man with no vices. Stimulants are important. Coffee can be really good for you. If you’re tired, drink one to feel both tired and caffeinated. If you want to spice up your life, pour yourself a lovely glass of red or a good whisky. Just make sure it doesn’t get, like, you know – dark. That is never good.
Tip how to be me for a day: Go to IKEA and buy a big, fancy red wine glass to feel like Kris Jenner. Pour a glass of merlot or pinot noir and re-watch Normal People for the 107th time.
Despite the sarcastic tone of this post, this part will be 100% serious. One of the coolest/most-annoying people I’ve ever met once told me: “If you can’t have one, become one.”
Tip how to be me for a day: Go to Cruise and buy yourself a Stone Island jacket. See your life change and enjoy being the main character on Grindr.